Movie Review - Alone in the Dark (2005)

 

Alone in the Dark

Watch it on Tubi for free.

Or buy a copy on Amazon if you are a fool. 

God help me I’m watching another Uwe Boll movie. I swore I would never do this again, but here I am. It’s time for another terrible ‘adaption’ of a video game from the butcher of any IP he’s handed.

Let’s open with a stupidly long text scroll info dumping a lot of shit no one will ever remember. Not only is a text scroll they have somebody reading it as well. Because Puke Bowl thinks movie audiences are completely illiterate I’m assuming. Fucking hell.

Right off the bat I have to say the dialogue is so absolutely dreadful. Much of it really just makes no sense, disjointed, and delivered with all the effort of an elementary school play. They push in the exposition explaining what’s going on, which of course completely negates the need for that intro scrolling wall of text. They could have completely dropped that shit but instead they like telling you ahead of time what they are going to tell you later.

So very badly shot at almost every chance they could. Let’s walk away from the house just so we can turn back around and walk into the house. Just really dumb shots like this over and over again. Here’s a box with a gun and a bunch of bullets that hurt the creatures… so when one shows up at your house you get as far away from that gun as possible. Hey come over here and talk to me so I can then walk away and leave you where I just called you too. Over and fucking over again.

Tara Reid cannot act, she’s like a cardboard cutout of herself with the mouth rigged to move. Evidently there was a sex scene in the original release that’s not in the version I just watched. That scene is probably the only reason Uwe Balls had her in the film, he wanted to see her naked. Stephen Dorff comes along to basically play Stephen Dorff in every movie you’ve seen him in. Christian Slater as the main character Edward Carnby does the best he can do but with what he’s been given to work with, well nobody can make this shit sandwich work. Some of the other acting jobs are pretty dire as well. Probably due in part to complete and utter lack of any constructive direction what so ever.

People trash the special effects in this one. But, to be honest, I’ve seen worse being pumped out today. But it really is a sloppy mix of sloppy practical effects and CGI mixed together. With to much focus on the gore which really doesn’t help a damn thing because this is no where near a horror movie like the Uwe Bore thought he was making.

Every damn thing about the ‘story’ or the way scenes are shot feel like they’re trying to imitate other, much better, movies. Like Eww Boll couldn’t actually create a complete original thought and instead borrowed ideas from everyone else. Then mashed them all together while smiling like a blathering idiot.

Now this is better than House of the Dead or Bloodrayne… but that’s not saying much. This is very early 2000’s direct to bargain bin DVD fair at best. They spent 20 million on this absolute shit show, that’s like throwing stacks of cash into a wood chipper.

Blair Erickson wrote the early versions of the script and, well, you can pretty much tell what happened by what he said in this ‘Something Awful’ interview:

The original script took the Alone in the Dark premise and depicted it as if it were actually based on a true story of a private investigator in the northeastern U.S. whose missing persons cases begin to uncover a disturbing paranormal secret. It was told through the eyes of a writer following Edward Carnby and his co-worker for a novel and depicted them as real-life blue-collar folks who never expected to find hideous beings waiting for them in the dark. We tried to stick close to the H. P. Lovecraft style and the low-tech nature of the original game, always keeping the horror in the shadows so you never saw what was coming for them.

Thankfully Dr. Boll was able to hire his loyal team of hacks to crank out something much better than our crappy story and add in all sorts of terrifying horror movie essentials like opening gateways to alternate dimensions, bimbo blonde archaeologists, sex scenes, mad scientists, slimy dog monsters, special army forces designed to battle slimy CG dog monsters, Tara Reid, "Matrix" slow-motion gun battles, and car chases. Oh yeah, and a ten-minute opening back story scroll read aloud to the illiterate audience, the only people able to successfully miss all the negative reviews.

There were parts of that script apparently still in here. Where Carnby does the voice over bits, which vanish for long periods of times when the dumbass stuff is going on. This entire thing is a train wreck after the Uwe Bowel Movement got it’s fingers in there. Maybe that sex scene in the middle would have helped a little bit if just for the male gaze factor.

Don’t watch this dogshit of a movie. It’s not worth it.

"I hold here the last bit of my dignity that I pissed away by being in this film. But I got to rub up against Tara Reid so why not?"

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Movie Review - Mutant Chronicles

 

Mutant Chronicles (2008)

Watch it for free on Tubi.

Or buy it on Amazon. 

 Okay here we go. Heard several stories about this movie over the year, never gave it a viewing. At least this time it’s a movie with a budget unlike the last one I did. We get a quick overview of the base storyline, some shots of what happened something called the machine was sealed up long ago. Nice set up and it’s over.

Then we get futuristic steamtech trench warfare. Hey there’s Sean Pertwee, always nice to see him in a movie. Hey Thomas Jane, not complaining there either. Lots of bloody brutal fighting, then the thing that was sealed up breaks open and even more bloodshed comes along. This is where I was laughing for a bit. You ever see those old bad 3D movies where they have the fight scenes choreographed with people attacking at the camera? Yeah. They did that here. Why? Fuck I couldn’t tell you, it looks bad, thankfully they don’t continue with that.

Oh, damn, well goodbye Sean. Hey it’s Ron Perlman, things are looking up but I’m a fanboy. Oh hey there’s John Malkovich as well, that could go either way.

At 23 minutes in I was kind of digging the story. The bad guys are really one trick ponies with one long McStabby arm. They really could have hashed out some variety here, would have really helped. Instead they dish us out a never ending stream of bad guys who don’t like to die. Over and over again. We get the rest of the team lots of action scenes that sort of work… sometimes. Not going to spoil the ending for those who may want to watch this themselves.

Okay here are some pro’s for the movie. There are some cool shots, cities under siege, the general look of the technology, uniforms and weapons. That all kind of works believe it or not. The entire thing has some color adjustment giving it a colorless appearance most of the time. Everything looks like mud… and ash, which strangely fits for the story here. But they just overdid it most of the time. The inside of the machine near the end looks pretty nightmarish and alien, as it should.

Now the negatives. Bad writing in the dialogue area with some just dumbass lines of conversation going on. Some of the folks were either calling in their acting skills or were given terrible direction on how to act, probably both. They had a roleplaying and miniatures battle game that this was based off of. One with a very distinct look… that they almost completely fucking ignored. Borrowing some names, a few setting details and not much else. Kind of like having and IP and then not using what you paid for.

In the end well, honestly, I’ve seen much worse. It’s an interesting little sci-fi flick with some cool details and world building in there. Probably be a fun beer night movie viewing for a group of folks who like grim dark action fare. But I can very well see why it bombed at the box office.  

"Oh shit why am I stuck between these two assholes and their dumbass discussion?"

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Movie Review - Binary Samurai

 

Binary Samurai

Watch it for free onTubi

Or pay to watch it on Amazon Prime

Over on YouTube you can watch the trailer for this one. It was put up by the guy responsible for the film. Wonder why he has the comments turned off?

Made in 2023 set in the dark future of 1999. Yeah the opening explanation of what’s going on really doesn’t fill in any of the blanks either. But okay here we go with something new. I’ll call is ‘Shiver Cam’. It’s like who ever is holding the camera, or the rig, is shaking and the whole thing has a slight bounce up and down. But somehow they are even managing to make the opening credits shiver as well. That’s not a positive way to start.

The movie proceeds to go straight down pretty quick. It’s a dystopian apocalyptic future but everybody seems to have some pretty clean clothes and they are hunting down abandoned object laying the dirt for years that are also perfectly clean. Amazing that. The costumes, man the costumes. I’ve seen much better cyberfuture/apocalyptic outfits at small game cons than this. Feels like this is what they filmed while they were doing the photo shots for the Digital Burn ttrpg. Don’t know what Digital Burn is? There’s a reason for that.

Props. Yeah they got some props. All secured from the bins at thrift stores and airsoft ranges. I actually recognized one airsoft pistol in particular that I used to own many long years ago. They just glued something extra on top of it. Coupled with special effect done with your instant special effects generator that you can pick up anywhere online. But hey, they at least use it to it’s full measure. I’ll give them that one. But one thing, one of the Samurai’s carries around a cyberdeck… that’s built on the deck of a skateboard. Guess they were trying to be clever.

Boy they love these abandoned buildings. Actually I think it’s just one big ass abandoned building, they just used every single damn inch of it.

Now let’s talk about their whole ‘cyberspace’ thing. HOLY FUCKING SHIT WHAT AM I WATCHING? It is, no I’m not shitting you, interpretive dance. ALL OF IT. The actors in a blue light dancing in a dark area with ones and zeros line up down the screen for the ‘cyber’ effect. They spend half that damned movie on this absolute trash. It goes on for several minutes at a time with little to no dialogue. Just dancing and some old Japanese type of music. I mean kudos for coming up with a new idea here, but it’s a fucking really shit idea. It’s worse than the action figure art of the 3^rd edition of the Cyberpunk ttrpg. I can't even begin to explain how absolutely dumb this looks. 

Now on with the overall feeling of the film. Is this supposed to be serious, or this badly done on purpose? I had to get up and walk away several times while watching this one. I NEVER have to do that. Zardoz is better than this. So many parts are painfully boring. Long glances and people just looking at things for ever. If they cut out all the nothing scenes and all the GOD AWFUL INTERPRETIVE DANCING this thing would only be about ten to fifteen minutes long.

I didn’t like interpretive dancing before, now I absolutely hate it. Not even going to talk about the AI generated cover image they use for this thing.

Plot? Oh yeah that's in there. Samurai guys stealing 'nodes' from tech worshippers and giving them to the Daimyo they serve. Other person in the net telling them "no don't do that". There you have it. 

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Neon City (1991)

 

Neon City

You can watch this one for free over on Tubi or, if you really feel like it, you can pick up the Blu-Ray over on Amazon. 

This foray into post apocalypse film is an interesting treat. Mainly just because of some of the cast we have here. We have the always dependable Michael Ironside, then there is Vanity who has never been in what we would call a ‘good’ movie, Juliet Landau in a post Buffy appearance, oh Richard Sanders is here so nice to see Les Nessman working, then finally we have the walking wall himself Lyle Azlado. I mean how could you not watch this film with this line up. Okay, you could very easily not watch this film which is what so many others have done. But here I am, watching it.

Now one interesting thing is they don’t use your normal run of the mill nuclear apocalypse in this one. As the move goes on you find out we are in an environmental apocalypse. A real 80’s/90’s one which involved the ozone lair and air pollution. Something a bit different there. Taking place in “North America, Western Federation 2053 A.D.” so at least we don’t have the problem of the current year having caught up to this tale of the future.

The film opens with the usual credits and somebody riding a bike across the flattest land that I’ve seen in a while. Is this Kansas? Did they film this in Kansas? All with that wonderful background music that you just know you’ve heard someplace else and the red filter on the lens.

Soon we get to meet all the characters. Harry Stark (Ironside) a gruff ex-ranger who has dark past filled with loss. Reno (Vanity) a gruff convict on the run who has a dark past filled with loss. Dickie Devine (Nessman, I mean Sanders) a comedian/magician who has a dark secret about what he sells on the side. Bulk (Azlado) a big lovable bear of a man who has a dark past with Stark. Twink (Landau) a spoiled rich girl with a shiny happy past filled with zero loss. Plus several others. Most with dark pasts of some sort. Except Twink, she is dark free, which is really opposite of the role Landau is most known for.

Basic plot is basic. They are traveling across Damnation Alley… I mean across post apocalypse USA from one city that is trash to another less trashed city called ‘Neon City’ in a big ole’ fancied up camper truck. Mostly driving across what looks like Kansas during the winter, until there are suddenly hills out of nowhere for them to do things near. Many times I’m wondering if they used the pile of trash sets left over from the background of Spacehunter. But Max… I mean Stark continues on leading his band of intrepid travelers onward.

We get a good dose of how terrible things are when you can get ‘bye bye bags’ which are just jars of poison so you can kill yourself to escape the terrible things that have happened to you. Killer environment effects called ‘brights’ that can pop up out of nowhere during the day and cook you. A gang of scumbags that kills everyone else. But the roads seem to be in decent shape under the snow as this fancied up Winnebago plows along. Going from location to location to either kill things or have an awkward sex scene right in the middle of whatever the hell is going on.

The dialogue in some spots is a bit cringe and just dumb. Early on they use a lot of drunk cam for action scenes so you can’t see what the hell is going on. Acting is decent enough but nothing to write home about. Ironsides, as usual, does more acting with his facial expressions and forehead than anything else. But all in all this does rate slightly above most 90’s scifi post apocalypse fare.

All in all it was a fun to watch bad movie. Nothing great to write your parents about. I just wish Les would have survived, but I guess a bullet was more deadly than the WKRP Turkey Drop. Do I recommend it? Well yes, but don’t pay to watch it and don’t make time in a busy schedule to watch it either. But if you’re bored and got some time to kill then this makes a great filler.

"Don't forget to get my most important acting asset into the shot, my forehead."

Movie Review - Autómata (2014)

 

Automata (2014)

This one I stumbled upon accidently in the middle of the night. Scrolling through free streaming services looking for something different to watch. Never heard of this film before now. But hey it has Antonio Banderas in there, oh look Dylan McDermott as well, and what the hell is that Melanie Griffith as well? Okay so that was it, I was watching this one.

Okay we get a quick rundown of the status of the world right at the beginning. Solar flares wiping out most of the planet, everything turning to desert, nearly all of the  population has died off and the final patches are huddled together in cities. Technology has started to regress in most areas except for robotics, which is a great excuse to use modern tech in movies that take place in the future. Robots called Pilgrims are doing most of the labor now and trying to save the world. Everything is pretty shitty.

Now one cool thing we get a new twist on the old idea of Asimov's three laws of robotics. These robots have two unchangeable protocols: they cannot harm any form of life and may not repair, modify, or alter themselves or other robots in any way. Now the first part is real simple while the second has more deeper meaning. It keeps them from altering themselves so they can ignore their protocols AND it keeps them from repairing themselves so the company that makes them can stay in business. 

Our main character, Jacq Vaucan, is an insurance investigator for the company (ROC) that makes the Pilgrims. He finds himself pulled into an interesting case of a robot that was repairing itself and is shot by a police officer for suspicious activity. This leads him down a path of other robots who are more free thinking, showing us clockworks, folks who work on, repair and modify the Pilgrims without company authorization. Piled onto this is some secrets that ROC is very privy on keeping secret.

We eventually get to leave the city and trek across the desert. Jacq gets to discover who, or what, is causing the Pilgrims to function so differently. More of the completely devastated world is shown and it becomes pretty clear that humans aren't likely to survive. But maybe another form of life will.

Quite a bit of work went into some attempted deep thought at life, living and what survives after you. Artificial awareness is really touched on and what will one do to keep on existing. But just don't get attached to many of the character okay? 

It's grim, gritty and visually well done. So why haven't I hard of this? Well execution isn't quite as good as the idea. We have moments that drag on, lead ups that end to quick, and some disappointed story choices in a few spots. I get what they were going for but it feels like that golden ring was just out of reach for the folks doing the actual movie. 

That being said it is a neat movie to watch. Some new ideas for post apoc that could be explored, new concept and ideas for some scifi robot material. But don't go in expecting to find a great film, just a decent film. But they did get a lot out of their 15 million dollar budget. Science fiction fans will enjoy what they are given but it won't make it to their top ten list. 

"Trash the world!"

Movie Review: Hellraiser (2022)

 

Hellraiser (2022) streaming on Hulu.

Now I'm a big fan of the original Hellraiser and Hellbound: Hellraiser 2 movies. Loved them both a lot. Great horror entries that were unique and different than anything else at the time. Starting with part three it became a rapid downward spiral. So yes I am watching this one and comparing it to the originals in my head, can't help it. That being said here we go.

Overall I enjoyed the new reimagining of the original material. It's not a remake, it doesn't try to be better than the first one. That's probably the smartest way to tackle this project, and it works. Somewhat. 

This time it starts off with getting a good glimpse at the horror of what the puzzle box can do in the hands of an eccentric occultist named Roland Voight as he uses it as a tool to talk to the god behind the cursed thing. It's a quick intro and we don't find out what really happened until later. Months afterwards it falls into the hands of Riley and her boyfriend Trevor and the terror really starts to happen. Eventually pulling her brother, brothers boyfriend and their roommate into the bloodbath we knew was going to happen. So the fight to find a way out of their predicament entails the rest of the movie.  

We get some new neat twists on the mythos. A little bit of a reimagining of how the box works and what it can do. Also a bit of a change on who they will drag back to hell with them. 

Visually this movie is pretty stunning. The cenobites look good, although more clean and sanitized in appearance despite being peeled open and reconstructed. There were no problems with the role of Pinhead being played by a woman, despite what all the haters wanted to shout about, Jamie Clayton did a great job. Roland Voight's home is amazingly well done with some really neat ideas involved. All the sets helped force the mood and weren't just plain ole extra lots, there was some thought in them. 

Now while all the characters were well done and the actors all did great jobs, this is wear it kind of stumbles. There weren't any characters that you really liked all that much starting out. Even near the end some of them you just don't really care if they live or die. In the original we at least have Kirsty and her father as likable folks to kind of cheer for. I get they were probably going for a cast of characters that were all broken in some way and flawed, but they leaned into that a bit to much in my humble opinion. 

So I still give this one two thumbs up although one is tilted a bit. Also it should go without saying that if you don't like horror then don't go watching this one. 

Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind 40th Anniversary - Studio Ghibli Fest...

Finally got to see one of my all time favorite movies at the theater tonight. My wife, kids and I all went and watched the film together and had a great time. My first encounter was in the 80's when it popped up at a local VHS rental store and was released under the name 'Warriors of the Wind'. It was edited, chopped up and the voice acting was pretty 'meh'. But even in that state it was really awesome to watch as a kid. 

Eventually I found various bootleg version once the internet came along. Then finally Disney released a top notch dubbed version that stuck true to the original vision of the movie. So seeing it on the big screen was a cumulation of fanboy obsession Nausicaa. 

NIMONA | Full Film | Netflix on YouTube for free!

The entire movie on the Netflix YouTube channel. For free. No ads. Hell yeah. Metal. 

Loki Season 2 finale

 

I have to say that, without a doubt, Loki is the best Marvel series from Disney so far. Just absolutely stunning from the writing to production to the acting. Top notch. 

The finale for season two just simply took that pedestal and raised it even higher into the air. It may be a while before we see Loki again, hell with the way it ended we may never see him even though he will always be there. But I'm fine with that. His character arc has been simply wonderful to watch.

I do hope we see Mobius, B-15, O.B., Sylvie and all the rest again soon. Some of the best supporting characters ever put together for a show. Each with so much depth you just can't get enough. Even with how they left the TVA is a very interesting development. This should affect some of the future movies a great deal. 

So yeah. Two thumbs up. Great series with a great finale. I want to see more, but I'm happy if they end it hear because it feels like a proper ending. Something so many other shows fail at.

Dune: Part Two | Official Trailer 2

Mortal Kombat (1995) - Review

 

Mortal Kombat (1995)

You can pick this up on DVD over on Amazon.

Or you can watch it on Amazon Prime. 

I remember it being 1995 and seeing this movie at the theater with some friends. Back then we didn't think it was that bad. Of course our only from of reference for video game movies was Super Mario Brothers so that is an issue. Now upon viewing it again after a few decades my opinion is somewhat different and I find myself wondering what the hell was wrong with me back then.

Let me start off by saying effects wise they didn't do a bad job with what they had at the time. CGI was still much in the experimental and development phase. Terminator 2 had just came out four years prior and all that tech was still pretty expensive and most companies had no idea how well it would turn out on the big screen. So some of it turned out decent like Scorpions “Get over here” attack, but the others like Scorpion unmasking himself or Reptiles non-human form are pretty janky at their best. On the other hand the Goro puppet and animatronics were pretty damn sweet looking and much better than they had any right to be. So the practical effects actually turned out better than any of the CGI.

Then we get to casting. Oh who the fuck cast Christopher Lambert as Raiden? Seriously can we retroactively fire that person and make them pay back everything they earned for this movie. This is probably the thing that really gets me the most here. He can't act outside of a specific parameter to save his life and here he is way out of that. Just simply terrible. They cast folks who don't look like they should be in any sort of fighting competition, much less Mortal Kombat. Bridgette Wilson may have the blonde hair but she is absolutely unbelievable as Sonya Blade. At least a few were actual martial artists but that didn't help much because of... wait for it... because of....

Because the choreography sucked for the most part. The fight scenes had tons of cuts, edits and ended up looking like a jangled mess. Occasionally you would get a few shots that lasted more than a few seconds but that was a rarity. Some actual folks in place training people to do longer lasting scenes in shots that lasted a bit would have been great.

Also we discover the director loves (and I do mean loves) drowning out as many different colors as he can. Flooding a scene with one single color, be it blue, red, yellow or whatever. At first it was noticeable as a simple way to shot a scene for effect, but we get it over and over again. Somebody needs to take the flood lights away from him.

In the writing department they pull off an okay job. Nothing super bad and they do keep the characters constant throughout. Johnny is an ass, Lui is fighting against his destiny, Sonya wants to fuck up Kano. No big departures for no reason, with a nice little dash of “what have we gotten ourselves into” thrown in there. Some of Raiden's lines are pretty laughable but again, coming from a hopelessly miscast Lambert that is no surprise.

Oh I will take a moment to mention the soundtrack is fun. That's about all I can say on that.

Then the entire thing is set up for a sequel. From Jaxx being in the early part of the movie to the final end scene. But oh don't go thinking they stepped it up with part two because they sure as hell did not. One day I may view that movie again for a review, but today will not be that day.

Until next time.

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Such believable martial arts abilities.

Vibes (1988)

 

Vibes (1988)

Buy it on Amazon

Watch it on Amazon

Buy it on Ebay

Let's go digging into the eighties again. I mean why not there were so many movies made that decade that it's a smorgasbord of good, bad and ugly. This time we hit the late eighties for a flick that most people missed. Vibes.

First things first, this movie was a huge flop. Like a belly flop at the Olympics type of flop. With a budget estimated around 18 million it brought in less than 2 million. So this was at the theaters and then gone so fast that most folks probably didn't even notice it was on in the first place. With that kind of crash it most likely didn't get much fanfare when it hit the rental market either. To be honest I never heard of it until a friend and I caught it cable several years back.

Now onto the plot. The movie is about a two psychics who are talked into a trip to Ecuador to help allegedly help a person find his son who is lost in the mountains. Turns out to be a con and they were actually brought there to help find a mysterious and dangerous treasure. But they aren't the only ones who are after this treasure.

Sounds like a bit of okay fun. But then we get to the casting, and it's the kicker. They psychics are played by Jeff Goldblum and Cyndi Lauper, yes that Cyndi Lauper. The person who conned them into the job is played by Peter “hey look it's Columbo” Falk. We even get a couple minutes of Steve Buscemi tossed in there for good fun. Plus a few others who are “Hey it's that guy.” actors from the 80's. So the casting is actually both solid and fun. Heck Cyndi turns out to be much better than I expected.

Special effects were decent for the era. A lot of on location filming was done and looks nice but nothing spectacular. Some of the dialogue is painfully from the 80's and wants to make sure you know it. Music is done by James Horner, another unexpected gem for this movie, and it fits. So there isn't a whole lot of failings going on for this movie. But there isn't anything that adds up to a blockbuster either.

In the end this movie sort of falls right into the “Okay” of movie ratings. It's not going to set the world on fire and your not missing anything if you don't watch it. But it's a decent little romp mixing comedy, supernatural and adventure all together. A solidly decent movie from a decade that brought a huge swath of terrible films. I would recommend that people at least give it a viewing but it's nothing to rush out for.

"Look at you, you got some of the flop on your sleeve!"

Kung Fu and Titties (2013)

Sometimes when you review a movie you are taking a bullet for somebody else. Stepping in line to stop something terrible from happening to others. Tonight my wife and I have done just that. So please heed our warning when we say not to watch this movie. If only we would have been warned ourselves. The movie is...

Kung Fu and Titties

And yes, you can buy it at Amazon.

My wife and I were searching through the Roku looking for bad Kung-fu movies to watch at some point. Then over in the suggestions it appeared. The name that made us both go what the hell. We had to click on it just to see if was an actual movie listing. It was and we both laughed, then for some damned reason we said 'what the hell' and loaded it up.

It's really hard to classify this as a movie and more like glorified handicam filming. The plot itself was just as bad. A man named Richard Titties must travel to another dimension to rescue his girlfriend from a breast obsessed madman. No, I'm not joking, that's the plot. I would like to say there was some interesting bits in the movie, that somewhere there is something actually good buried in all of the badly filmed mess, but if I said that I would be telling a lie.

Of course the question everyone wants to know, “are there titties in the movie?”. Yes, you wonderful one handed remote control holders there are. There are a lot of titties in this movie, along with some ass and some guys ball sack. But having grown up on direct to VHS movies in the 90's and being an early entry internet nerd I have seen titties for a long time. It's not worth watching this to see them, just hop on google and find some instead. Trust me your brain will thank you later.

So throughout this 'film' my wife kept looking over at me and asking “what the hell?” and all I could do was shake my head and shrug. Afterwards I was at least able to point towards my rack of movies and proclaim that in comparison everything that I own is of the highest quality movie making skill. I have Zardoz on that rack and this makes it look good. Think about that for a moment.

So if you listen to any review of mine ever then listen to this one. Avoid Kung-Fu and Titties at all costs.

 

"Somehow I managed to keep my titties covered throughout the movie!"

 

The Running Man (1987)

The Running Man

Watch it on Amazon.
Watch it on Prime.

Oh how I do love me some eighties movies. Especially when they do something in the future and the timeline has caught up to them. The Running Man is supposed to take place in the years 2017 – 2019 which, honestly, may not be to far off from being reality. However I do feel that this movie has aged well although our technology has surpassed that displayed in the film. But the media obsession of the populace is pretty much hitting the nail on the head. At least we don't have folks running around wearing bell bottoms like the do in 70's movies that were supposed to take place post 2000.

This movie is pretty much pure cyberpunk and for some reason that fact is over looked by a lot of folks. Nearly all the tropes are there, dystopic future, corporate/police state control, people fighting against that control, government controlled media, all that. The only things it's missing is cyberware and some form of netrunning (although we do have hackers). Seriously this looks like it could all take place twenty minutes into the future after Max Headroom.

The base plot is pretty straight forward. Framed police officer Ben Richards (played by the Arnold) escapes prison with some friends then is recaptures and thrown onto the reality show 'The Running Man' where the contestants are hunted down and killed on live television. Ben ends up helping some rebels who are attempting to fight back against the police state while trying to stay alive while 'stalkers' are hot on his tail.

Costumes and sets are well done and come across well with some of the stalkers having their own specialized hunting grounds that the contestants are corralled into. The set for the show, corporate offices and everything else comes across believable as well. Special effects are top notch for the time period with most of being traditional and only a few things added in like the lightening for one of the stalkers, some fireball effects and showing the television crew doing face overlays. Even the cast is great with Arnold Schwarzenegger as the lead doing the action star thing, Richard Dawson as the host is straight up perfect casting, Jesse Ventura and Jim Brown could have easily have been done wrong but were, again, perfect castings. We even get Mic Fleetwood of Fleetwood Mac in here and doing well.

Where it falls down is the writing, okay to be honest mainly in the dialogue. There is way to much push to give the Ben Richards character all kinds of one liners simply because The Arnold is playing him. It really doesn't fit most of the time and falls flat considering the way they rounded out the rest of his character. It also doesn't help that most of those one liners are meant to be funny and simply aren't. There are points where exposition is needed but they front load it so hard that it seems awkward how it comes out. The story is good, but they really needed somebody to sharpen up what everybody is saying just a bit and toss the one line wonders into the trash.

In the end I fill this movie should be necessary watching for anyone wanting to run a cyberpunk game with massive amounts of media control going on. Like Max Headroom there is so much to peel off and use that it's a gold mine for ideas. From the massive amounts of betting that is going on based on who is going to die or get the first kill to the rebels trying to take over the airwaves. Anybody who likes some good science fiction should also sit down and give it a viewing as well. It's simply a good solid movie that will keep you entertained.

 

"This ain't the Family Fued Ben!"

Rampage (2018)

Rampage (2018)

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Watch it digitally on Amazon Prime.
 

Some video games deserve to have a movie based on them. Games that drip with story, developed characters and so much potential. But no, they go make a movie based off of monsters destroying a city. The entire plot of Rampage is so thin that you just know they are going to have to pipe in a ton of material that is should just be it's own movie without tying it to an already existing property. Kinda like Battleship where they tossed in aliens. But hey it's a Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson action vehicle so who cares right?

Well the story is pretty damned thin. Evil corporation makes stuff they will cause animals to grow and go super aggressive. Said stuff gets out by extraordinary means. Three animals get infected and all hell breaks loose. Throw in some odd story bits for human actors and you pretty much get the idea. They may toss in a lot of scientific terms but they also make the zoo keeper ex special forces just so he can do cool shit through out the movie. The plot is paper thin and if you think about it to hard it will tear under that pressure.

They do, however, make a great effort into making you think a couple of characters are going to be big deals in the film. But no it doesn't go that way and they end up dead rather quickly or never show up again. I actually kind of like that because you do get the feeling that nobody is safe until about little past half way through then the obvious survivors become obvious. But still, nice to see you for a little bit Joe Manganiello wish you could have stayed around a bit longer.

Special effects wise this is awesome. Giant monster things tearing everything up and beating the hell out of each other. All sorts of military firepower getting torn to shreds. Buildings collapsing, people getting squished, shit blowing up all over the place like Micheal Bay stepped in the back door for a moment. A body count that must be through the roof. This is where the budget went, well here and into the bank account of Dwayne of course.

In the end this film is entirely bubblegum for the brain. No sustenance but it gives you something to do. If you like story with your moving pictures then I would stay away from Rampage altogether. But as something to watch with friends while you tossing back a few beers it may work. But at least it's not as bad as they Uwe Boll Rampage movie.

 

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Damn now it's giant flying wolf monsters.

 

Stargate (1994)

Stargate (1994)

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Watch it on Amazon Prime.

Stargate the movie that was supposed to spawn a movie franchise. I mean they had such high hopes for this film that there were even action figures for the damned thing. But when you can't even gross 20 million over your budget that pretty much kills the chance of sequel. Eventually somebody got smart and made a television series, that spawned another television series, and another, oh and a few made for television movies, more action figures, a roleplaying game and all sorts of stuff. Not bad in the end.

They at least started with a knock out cast. Kurt Russell who spent about a half of the movie acting like Todd 3465 and then suddenly turning likable. James Spader pulling up the nerd front. An early Djimon Hounsou role before he career really took off. Not to mention one of my favorite “oh that guy is in this” actors Erick Avari. Okay so the rest aren't super known to me but every one does a great job. So they didn't fall down in the casting department.

The premise is pretty straight forward at the start. A object discovered in Egypt 70 to 80 years ago is apparently some sort of gate to another world. However nobody can figure out how it works until they bring on board Daniel Jackson. He suddenly goes “oh these aren't hieroglyphs around the edges but star constellations. Because nobody else could figure out these symbols that kind of already look like constellations really are constellations. So fire up a team and go through to see what is there.

So during the duration of the film they find a whole civilization of humans living on the planet. Discover that aliens are responsible for humans being strewn all over the galaxy. Befriend young teens, accidentally get married, meet a mega alien who calls himself Ra and a big nice battle at the end. Oh and there's even a nuke in there as well just to keep things hopping. They even set it up so that a sequel would be easily done.

Sounds pretty good. Problem is the slow burn of the film building up to the action. This was billed as an action movie but surprisingly doesn't have all that much action in it. We get some great world building and a whole lot of information dumped onto our lap. But getting to the reward at the end takes a while. This is ultimately what I think kept the movie from doing better. I don't see anyone going back to the theater to see it a second time or really recommending it as a “must see” to their friends. More of a “It's fine to wait until rental” type of movie.

Now set design and the overall look of the film is great. Everything from the gate itself deep in the underground military base to the very Egyptian based look of the aliens and their technology. Not to mention some nice little touches making standard fair scifi more interesting, like the dropping teleporter rings and the space ship being pyramid shaped so it could park on top of the pyramid.

Special effects were cutting edge at the time and actually hold up pretty well. They used their CGI for scenes where it was really needed. Lots of actual models and miniature sets were used as well. In the end two thumbs up for the crew making the movie look good.

I give this movie a solid two thumbs up. But don't go in expecting an action fest because this, my friends, isn't it. However this is a great look at successful world building where the writers obviously put a lot of work into the details. This is something Roland Emmerich is known for so that isn't surprising at all. If you're a scifi fan and haven't seen this movie, well then you need to take the time and give the film a watch. You won't regret it.

 

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"As far as I can tell the future of this franchise is so bright we have to wear shades."

 

World of Darkness Documentary

Watch it on Amazon Prime.

Watch it for free on YouTube.

Finally got around to watching the World of Darkness documentary charting the rise and fall of White Wolf Studios, mainly focusing on their game Vampire: The Masquerade. I remember this coming out a couple years back but never got around to trying to give it a view. Which is odd considering how much time I spent running V:TM back in the day.

Although they do seem to show a lot more about the LARP version of the game while talking more about the tabletop version. But that's okay, it's easier to show what you mean with people in costumes than folks setting around a table rolling dice. But it does give us a nice view of the path from where the company started, when V:TM exploded and up to the inevitable end. So for those who do like a bit of history of gaming this is worth watching.

Now some of this I experienced first hand as the game came out when I was really doing a lot of roleplaying. I actually bought a copy the day it hit the game shop shelves and begin running it within a week. One this I will agree on is that it changed the hobby and was quite different from everything else out there at the moment. Different as nearly everything else out at the time was just another book full of rules (which they mention) with sourcebooks that were additional books of rules. V:TM was pushing to be something different than that, tried to make the system more light and wanted players to keep the roleplaying more important than the mechanics.

There is some eye rolling parts though. They attempt to lay claim to the shift of the club scenes into more goth and vampire that happened at the time. From what I've been told the shift happened before VTM and the game itself was more likely inspired by that than the other way around. Now maybe more convention parties went goth because of it but not mainstream clubs.

Also they covered the fallout that happened between the global live action community that had sprouted up and the company. Issues over copyright and IP infringement which led to a really jagged break between the two. The failure of the video game to materialize. Plus a few other downfalls.   

So I recommend this to just about anybody out there who has even some passing memory of the glory days of Vampire the Masquerade and White Wolf as a company. 

Guns Akimbo (2019)

Guns Akimbo (2019)

 

Buy it on Amazon.

Watch it on Amazon.

I'm not sure where to begin. This movie was a lot of things going in different directions all at once. That being said it all ended up at the same spot in the end somehow. A lot of general bizarre ideas in here that kind of go together and kind of don't but here you go.

Working his dead end coding job is Miles (Daniel Radcliffe without a wand) who seemingly finds fun in trolling internet trolls while drinking. When he pisses off the wrong people and finds himself part of Schism all against his will. Waking up with a set of high capacity pistols literally bolted and nailed to his hands.

Wait, what is Schism you ask? Oh yes let me cover that real quick. It's an illegal show broadcast on the internet where they put two people up against each other in a fight to the death. Using drones, hacked security cameras and whatever else they can to track the fighting as it goes across the city. Usually they pit psychos against each other in these death matches. But this time we get Miles as one of the contestants. His opponent is their undefeated champion Nix (Samara Weaving) and she has some real motivation to kill him.

Now all this of course leads to some really messed up scenes covering such issues as trying to take a piss when you have guns bolted to your hands. Or convincing your ex girlfriend to get back with you while you are trying to pretend you aren't being chased by an insane killer and have maimed digits for fingers. Even a little bit of how to pick up the hot dog laying next to the used condom when you're hungry.

Oh and a shit load of fighting (and running for your life) scenes that keep the movie going at a rather nice pace. The bodies start piling up really quick and music picks up right along with it. Leaving you going “Holy shit” on more than one occasion.

The effects are well done across the board. Blood splatters, gun effects, very well done sets, some really wonderful costume design and so much more. They went all in to give this movie a very specific look and they achieved it. There is even a little bit of Scott Pilgrim vs the World tossed in for some nice added flavor.

Now the one thing it also does is give us a healthy dose of Black Mirror style social commentary. With a raw look at the hateful side of internet culture and the overwhelming desire to see more darker and gruesome material every day. It's not a pretty picture of what 'could be' when it comes to our society at large.

But hell things blow up, people are gunned down in massive amounts and one guy even has a special hand smashing hammer. So I'll give this movie two thumbs up. It was a fun thrill ride of a movie with a very dark side that pulled no punches.

"Go on get that hot dog, don't even think about that used condom next to it."

 

But sadly I doubt there will be a sequel.

 

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Bumblebee (2018)

Bumblebee (2018)

Find it on Amazon.

After years of not so good to absolutely terrible Transformer movies I was not looking forward to another entry in this franchise. Of the previous five films I only managed to set through the entirety of three. So that is why I put it off this long, up until my daughter wanted to watch it and we sat down to give it a viewing.

Pleasantly surprised would be the words I would use for this film.

This is actually a fun entry that also helps give the Transformer movie universe a bit of a reboot that was long needed. From the more traditional look of the robots themselves to a plot that tones down the explosion extravaganza that was all of the previous films.  You actually get story and character development here. With characters that are actually likable to boot.

Setting the movie in the 80's allows a little more amusement than usual and the use of period music that will bring a smile to us Gen X folks who happen to be watching. That and a role for John Cena that doesn't require any actual stretch of his acting abilities. Because normally seeing Cena in a movie is a painful experience, but not here.

Go into this one expecting some really neat visuals that aren't just things blowing up. A storyline that doesn't involve just things blowing up. Don't get me wrong there is some wonderful action scenes with plenty of things going boom but they don't dominate the entire thing. You end up liking the cast and even Bumblebee comes across more likable than usual.

So in end I'm going to give this movie four stars. Something I never ever thought I would be giving to a Transformer movie.

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The Banana Splits Movie

The Banana Splits Movie.

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Watch it on Amazon Prime.

Seriously I want the time I spent watching this back. Take a kids show from the sixties and turn it into a horror and gore movie. That should be entertaining but somehow they manage to screw it up completely. Supposedly this is based off of a rejected Five Nights At Freddy's script. I would say it's more than supposedly because it's quite obvious really early on. Also it's also obvious why this script was rejected... it's fucking terrible.

The writing, the acting, the special effects... all of it... terrible. Even the way the movie is shot is bad. None of it in a “so bad it's good” kind of way either, more of a “so bad they should have just tossed it in the trash” kind of way.

Some things were obviously done to be kinda funny. Like the guy who gets his face burned by a spray can flame thrower... and their goatee survives the flame. But all of these moments came across as really dumb. The continuity of the writing was laughable. There were times the robots moved around like they do in the old show and then for no reason suddenly walk all stiff terminator like and even have accompanying robot movement noise. Also they are near indestructible at one moment and then damn near just fall apart in another.

Really I could go on for a lot longer. But in the end all I can say is don't waste your time with this movie. I can't even come up with a joke at the end of this because of the sheer shit show that it is.